Angels We Have Heard Get High
by mooncakewolf
Summary: Random drabbles. Mostly crack, can be canon probably not. Any plot holes are due to the supernatural worms in my head.
1. Lucifer is Bored

Lucifer was bored. It all went downhill from there.

Somewhere off in Gabriel's own little house of weirdness, Lucifer decided to pay his little bro a visit. After all, he had only assumed the guise of a Trickster, but who do you think he learned it all from? Whistling up his masterpiece, he nodded with a grin of satisfaction for a job well done and zapped himself up into the rafters.

A short time later, Gabriel came home, his eyes scanning the room before immediately lighting with delight at the surprise in the middle of his table. It was a cake. A very nice looking cake. With a little note scribbled on a pad of paper by the side. He read it. "Don't eat me."

Lucifer silently snickered.

Gabriel ate it. Of course he ate it. Yum. Five seconds later, he exploded. The archangel in the rafters nearly fell of laughing.

"LUCIFER!" God's Voice boomed in his head.

"Whaaaaat?" he whined. Of course, Dad was there to rain on his parade.

"DO YOU HAVE ANY IDEA HOW HARD IT IS TO PUT ARCHANGELS BACK TOGETHER? YOU STOP THAT RIGHT NOW!"

Lucifer pouted. Trying to think up new nefarious plans, he sat for awhile before finally getting one, and zapping off again. Not before waiting for God to put Gabriel back together though and snapping a picture of his outraged face on his iPhone.

Away in the Bunker, the Winchesters were relaxing for the first time in weeks, having no cases to work, and the world not being in dire danger for once.

Meanwhile, a mischievous archangel invited himself in, flipping off the Angel Warding as he went. Who cared about their scribbles? He was Lucifer bloody freaking Morningstar.

A moment later, Sam who was relaxing in a chair with some nerdy book –Lucifer didn't care- he found himself in the dark. Alone.

"What the hell?"

The lights turned on. He was in a closet. A very small closet. Full of clowns. "SURPRISE!" they cheered.

"AAAAAAAGGGHHHHHH!"

Dean, who'd just come out of a relaxing shower with a towel wrapped around his waist, jumped in surprise at his little brother's scream.

"Sammy!?" he hollered, racing down the hall, "CAS! Get your ass down here, the Bunker's under attack!"

Seeing a glimpse of movement from the corner of his eye, he whirled around. Spiders. A FREAKING TON of spiders. Were skittering across the floor after him. Screaming, he ran faster.

A moment later, a 6'4" Sammy tore shrieking out of the closet, wearing a rubber red nose and doused in glitter, crashed into his brother, and they tumbled head over heels to the floor. This was followed by the howls of laughter from the closet clowns.

"Sammy, what's going on!" Dean tried to shove his much larger brother off of him as the spiders surrounded them. It didn't work. Somehow they were stuck together? What kind of glue was this? And where the HELL was Dean's towel?

"Hello Dean," the customary greeting of Castiel sounded from behind him, and he gaped up at the angel, who was staring unimpressed at the two brothers. Then he exploded.

There was a moment of silence where a Cas-covered Dean exchanged a glance with his sparkly bro. "I hate angels," Sam sobbed.

Lucifer, watching video footage from the control room, cackled gleefully. He'd recorded it all.

"LUCIFER, WHAT DID I TELL YOU?" God boomed.

"But he wasn't an archangel," Lucifer whined.

"WHY IN MY-NAME, CAN YOU NOT STOP SMITING YOUR BROTHERS? DO YOU HAVE ANY IDEA HOW MUCH OF A PAIN IN MY ASS YOU ARE?"

"Yeeeeeaaaaa, but you love me," the archangel grinned goofily at the ceiling. God decided that didn't warrant a response.

 _THE NEXT DAY_

"Dean."

"What?" Dean responded grumpily. He'd wanted to sleep in after that HORRIFIC THING that happened the day before and shall never be named or mentioned again. Surely this could wait until he had his first cup of coffee?

Sam plopped down on his bed with his laptop.

"Oh, nonononono. HELL. NO." Of course there was a Youtube clip off the entire thing.

"Gabriel Facebooked this to me," Sam explained.

"Wait…first of all Facebooked is NOT a word. Second, GABRIEL is on Facebook? And you're friends with him? I'm going to KILL him for doing this!" Dean roared.

"Hey, no. He swears it wasn't him," Sam protested.

"Suuuuure. And his name, really? Trickster LordofSex? Gimme that," Dean nabbed his laptop.

"HEY!" Sam tried to peer at what he was doing.

Pulling up group messages with Gabriel, he started typing.

 **DEAN (SAM): Who sent you this?**

 **CANDYMAN: Not telling ;P**

 **DEAN (SAM): TELL ME. OR I WILL SHOOT U IN THE KNEECAS**

 **ME: Why would you shoot me in the knee Dean?**

" **Wait…. CAS is on FACEBOOK?" Dean stared at Sam. "Wait, why is he your friend and not me?"**

"Well, you never really go on it… and you usually just pray to him anyways," Sam shrugged.

"And why is his profile picture of the ceiling…?"

 **DEAN (SAM)" It's a typo Cas. I meant to say kneecap. I will shoot your brother in the kneecap.**

 **CANDYMAN: Well that's not very nice. Now I'll have to play a prank on you as well as THAT OTHER GUY.**

 **ME: It was Lucifer.**

 **DEAN (SAM): WHAT?!**

 **CANDYMAN: -changes ME's name to TATTLETAIL**

 **SEXYSATAN: Finally, I get the credit :D**

 **CANDYMAN: -changes SEXYSATAN's name to ASSBUTT**

 **TATTLETAIL: l o l**

 **ASSBUTT: You're typing that with a straight face, aren't you….**

 **DEAN (SAM): I hate you all.**

 **TATTLETAIL: ;n;**

 **DEAN (SAM): Except you.**

 **CANDYMAN: Dean, you can't hate your Bro in law!**

 **DEAN (SAM): Wait…what?**

 **ASSBUTT: -shares screenshot of CANDYMAN's profile- In a relationship with Sam Winchester**

"SAMMY!"

Sam ran from the wrath of Dean.

About to follow him and have a very long discussion about his little brother and certain archangels, he heard another ping noise from Facebook and looked at it. He regretted it immediately.

 **TATTLETAIL: Lucifer, we're getting a divorce.**

Dean's eyebrows would've rose to the ceiling if it was physically possible.

 **CANDYMAN: -exits chat-**

 **DEAN (SAM): -changes name to DEAN- Where do you think you're going?! I'm going to break your elbows too! And Cas, please tell me you're NOT married to the Devil.**

 **ASSBUTT: -changed name to SEXYASS- -shares screenshot of TATTLETAIL's profile- In a relationship with Castiel AngeloftheLord-**

 **TATTLETAIL: I believe my brother. No, not the assbutt. Other one. Has currently kidnapped Sam. We should probably get him back. And Lucifer said we were in a relationship cause we're brothers. Relationship can be friends, family, or lovers.**

 **SEXYASS: You know you want me.**

 **DEAN: -kicks SEXYASS out of the conversation- Fine. Let's go get my brother back.**

 **TATTLETAIL: -changes name to DEAN'SANGEL**

 **DEAN: You're damn right.**


	2. 20 Ways to Irritate Gabriel

**Supernatural: How to Irritate Gabriel**

Swap his cocaine for pixie stix

Glue his and Castiel's wings together

Tell him he's the least sexy of his brothers

Put him on a diet

Send Thor to beat him up

Keep spraying him with holy water in hopes that he'll go away

Flood his laptop with Sabriel photos

Switch his ringtone to the repetition of Assbutt over and over

Set him up on a blind date. It's Dean

Steal his angel blade and use it to slice cheese

Tell him the whole feud between Michael and Lucifer was just do drive him insane and make him leave Heaven

Order him a pizza delivered by the Pizza Man. It's Cas

Since he's pretending to be dead, pretend he is a ghost and ignore everything he says

Trap him in a ring of holy fire, use it to make s'mores, and don't give him any

Tell him Trix are for kids

Call him the Worst Avenger

If he asks you Trick or Treat, tell him he sucks at both

Dye his hair bright pink. Don't tell him

Sign him up for a lifetime supply of gay porn magazines

Steal Sammy and give him to Lucifer


	3. 20 Reasons Why Cas Wears a Trenchcoat

**Supernatural: Theories Why Castiel Wears a Trenchcoat**

The coat is secretly Gabriel in disguise

His wings are in another dimension, so he flaps his coat real fast to fly

The color brings out his eyes

He just wants to be like the cool kids

It's hard to hide an angel blade under a suit

He REALLY hates the rain, and if it's sunny, better safe than sorry

Why not?

Otherwise Dean would just call him Baby (minus 'in a trenchcoat') and that is reserved for his car

He's sexy and he knows it

He can hide under it and become invisible

It makes him look taller amongst all these tall people

It's hard to wash blood out of a suit

Once upon a time, he was British

Dean likes to snuggle with him in it

When he spins, he's the prettiest of them all

He likes the way the belt swings when he walks

So all these ridiculously tall people can find him in a crowd

Lucifer thinks it's ugly

Baby, it's cold outside

He needs to wear something heavy or he'll float away


	4. The TALK

"Hey Sam, what's sex?" Sam started in surprise when a confused-looking Jack suddenly popped into the middle of the Bunker. He blinked a few times before processing the question and looking up from his computer. All thoughts of a possible case promptly flew out of his head.

"Uh…why do you ask?"

"Uncle Gabe took me to a bar to pick up girls, and I got propositioned by a few of them for sex. But I don't understand. Isn't that what people do when they're in love? At least, that's what happens in books. And how do they seem to already know what to do?" Jack cocked his head slightly, much like Castiel did when he didn't understand something new. Sam decided he really needed to get the boy his own laptop. And have a talk with Gabriel about how that was **not** what Sam meant when he asked him to help showing Jack the ropes.

"Well…sometimes. Um... it's… hard to explain. But, don't pick up girls at bars yet, Jack. You're pretty young," well, that was probably a matter of perspective considering he had been born a teenager, but was innocent to human ways still, rather like when Castiel had become human for a while. "It's…kinda like a dance. You'll know your partner when you meet them, and the right moves will just come to you." Oh dear Chuck, he did not just have to explain that, did he? It was too early in the morning to be having the sex talk with a half-angel who Sam was at best, another Uncle to.

"Okay," Jack still looked confused, but shrugged to himself. "I'm gonna get something to eat," he wandered off towards the kitchen, and Sam gave a sigh of relief. Then he thought, _GABRIEL, no more taking Jack to bars. Especially not to pick up girls, he's too young for that! What would Cas say?_

Moments later, with a rustle of wings, the archangel had joined Sam. He frowned. " **I** was the one there to pick up girls. He was just supposed to wait at the table." Before Sam could open his mouth to yell at him, Gabriel shrugged his shoulders and added defensively, "I was just taking a break from the whole teaching thing and I didn't think I should just leave him alone somewhere."

"Yeah, well, I practically had to give the kid the sex talk," Sam snorted.

Gabriel couldn't hide his guffaws of mirth this time, "No way, that's my job," he vanished.

"OH, HELL NO," Sam jumped up from his seat and raced towards the kitchen. The **last** thing the younger Winchester needed was that.

Meanwhile…

Jack walked into the kitchen, mildly surprised to see Dean and Castiel already there. Castiel was making a peanut butter and jelly sandwich, and despite the molecule-taste, he preferred it over most foods excluding hamburgers. Dean was seated across from him with another sandwich he had yet to take a bite from, overflowing with who knew what. He was still confused over the conversation he'd had with Sam and how someone could immediately know dance moves before learning them. What if this was important? Sex seemed important to these humans, and he wasn't sure why he was considered too young for it, but did that mean he had to learn before he got older? He needed advice on this one.

"Hey Cas?" Jack asked. The angel paused.

"Yes Jack?"

"How does one learn the moves for sex?"

The room was utterly silent for a moment as Castiel just stared at him, before Dean went wide-eyed at those words and immediately choked in surprise on an overly large piece of sandwich.

Castiel, realizing the older Winchester was in danger, rushed over and began to give him the Heimlich. When he was all too human, he'd taken up reading into some first-aid, seeing as how he couldn't just heal the brothers automatically anymore.

"Aaaaccckkk!" Dean didn't like it. Castiel was shorter than him and whatever he was doing certainly wasn't working.

Now…

Sam skidded to a halt and stared at the sight before him in the kitchen. His older brother was struggling and making sputtering noises while….what the hell was Castiel doing? Even Gabriel had frozen, speechless, looking like he either wanted to laugh, cry, or both. Jack was watching the two with mild interest, but making no move to interfere.

"Heyyy Jack, hate to interrupt this lovely party, but what's going on here?" Gabriel finally found his voice.

The half-angel turned to look at him. And very solemnly, "Cas and Dean are showing me their sex moves."


	5. Castiel's Food Mishaps

**Angel Food Cake**

"I want this," Gabriel dropped a package into Sam's grocery basket. The two brothers had taken their angels food-shopping as it seemed they rather liked the hopefully non-hazardous adventure.

"This is cake. Why is it called angel food cake though?" Castiel wondered.

"It's light and fluffy, so people think it's like angel food, I guess," Sam shrugged.

"Angels do not need to eat, Sam."

"I dunno maybe like angels then?" Dean joined the conversation.

"Angels are not light and fluffy," Castiel frowned, glaring at the offending cake.

"Well, certainly not Gabriel. He eats way too many sweets for that," Dean remarked. Sam desperately tried not to snort a laugh at the archangel's expense. Good decision.

The next moment, Dean slipped on a banana peel mysteriously manifested itself behind him.

 **Tuna**

"What's this?" Castiel poked Dean. The older Winchester turned to look curiously at the can held up next to him.

"It's a can of tuna, Cas," he raised an eyebrow.

"But WHAT is it? It says it's chicken of the sea. What kind of chicken can swim? And why do they call it a tuna?"

"Umm.."

"It looks like chicken. People just compared it and gave it that nickname, I guess," Sam shrugged, looking at the can too.

"But why?"

"I dunno. People call oranges orange cause they're orange, but lemons aren't called yellows," Dean offered.

"Humans are weird," Castiel decided.

"At least we don't think tuna is a bird," Sam whispered to Dean quietly as Castiel returned to his shopping.

 **Cherries**

Crunch crunch crunch.

Dean walked into the living room.

Crunch crunch crunch.

"Cas, what are you eating, rocks?" Damn if that wasn't loud. He could hear it over the tv and in the other room. Sam was busy doing nerdy research and had instructed him to check it out. And to make sure he really wasn't eating rocks or something.

"Rocks aren't edible Dean." Crunch crunch crunch. "Ow."

Dean leaned over the sofa. The angel was sitting watching TV with a bowl of cherries. Castiel picked up another one and popped it into his mouth. Crunch crunch crunch.

"Neither are cherry pits."

 **Jello**

The Winchesters were at a Chinese food buffet. Not too expensive and made things a little different change from diner food. They had some time to relax.

Having loaded up their plates, they were sitting down to eat, when Cas picked up chopsticks and begin to fiddle with them.

"Hey Cas, you can just use a fork if you want," Dean told him. Dean didn't like chopsticks.

"I'm at a Chinese buffet. Might as well try it," the angel shrugged.

"Some of this food isn't really even Chinese," Sam remarked, but Dean pulled out his pair of chopsticks.

"Do it like this," he stabbed one of Sam's pieces of chicken and popped it in his mouth.

"No, not like that!" Sam hissed at him. He preferred a fork as well, but he did know how to use chopsticks. Dean was absolutely hopeless. Many pairs had ended up on the floor in his attempts at teaching his older brother. Showing Cas how to hold them and grab up pieces of food, he added, "It's kind of tricky though and takes a while. That's why we usually just use the forks."

Of course their clumsy dorky angel was ridiculously adept at using them. Dean watched, jealous, "Hey, bet you can't eat everything on your plate with those."

Sam glared at him. "Bet you can't eat anything on your plate with those." Dean shot his straw wrapper at Sam's nose.

After a short bout of hissed threats because NO roughhousing in the restaurants was one of their rules, they both turned as they saw Cas finish everything on his plate with the chopsticks. Even the jello.

"It's a miracle," Dean whispered.

 **Cool Whip**

Dean wanted a taco night. Yes, he did eat things other than burgers and pie. Despite Sam's insistence otherwise. They'd compromised on tacos, which Sam had added only if Dean actually put stuff on them like sour cream, cheese, tomatoes, lettuce, something HEALTHY. Gabriel was having dinner with them too, and of course he ruined the healthy part, by bringing a large pound cake and tub of cool whip. And the archangel insisted that they have dessert first. As well as after.

Meanwhile, Castiel got everything sorted into containers and brought the pound cake and bowl of whip to the table. Sometimes it's just better to go with what Gabriel wants. Otherwise things can get really out of hand with a crabby prankster.

Sam declined while Castiel returned to the kitchen to do whatever he was doing, while Dean and Gabriel immediately loaded up their pieces of cake and bit in eagerly.

At the same time, their faces both changed a couple shades paler. Gabriel looked horrified, while Dean just looked plain sick, before spitting the cake out.

"Guys, what the hell?" Sam exclaimed, dodging his brother. Gabriel disappeared. Moments later, yelling from the kitchen.

"CASTIEL, WHAT DID YOU DO TO MY CAKE?" Gabriel stormed out of the kitchen, dragging a flustered looking Cas behind him.

"I didn't do anything to your cake!" Cas protested, trying to pull out of his brother's grip. Suddenly suspicious, Sam dipped a finger in the cool whip.

"Cas. This is sour cream."

 **Hot Sauce**

"AAARRRRGGHHHH!" Sam startled out of his research and ran into the kitchen. Dean arrived at the same moment with his gun drawn.

Neither of them expected what they saw. Their angel was leant over the sink frantically drinking water before actually sticking his face under the running tap.

Sam looked at an unlabeled jar with a note beside it.

 _Hey Cas, I ordered this Hot Sauce online and it arrived too cold. I don't like it. See if you might?_

 _-Gabriel_

Dean cracked up laughing.

"It's not funny!" Cas wailed through a stream of water, "IT BURNS."

"Well yeah, it's hot sauce," Dean grinned.

"No it's cold. And very VERY spicy," the angel groaned.

Sam mentally stored this information away for later. Cas did not like spicy. AT ALL. As well as a side note to hide the wasabi.

 **Cookies**

The bunker smelled delicious when Dean and Sam walked in, returning from a hunt.

"Hey Cas, what'cha doing?" Dean peeked into the kitchen. And damn if that wasn't cute, the angel had flour in his hair and was wearing an apron that said Kiss the Cook.

"I made cookies," he beamed back. Sam was quite frankly shocked that the bunker hadn't burnt down. He'd taught Castiel a few things about cooking, like wear mitts with hot items, wash his hands before touching everything, and maybe just use the microwave.

Dean immediately snagged a cookie from the plate Castiel had set on the counter. Sam watched his brother carefully as he happily munched away. "They're great," Dean grinned, grabbing another. Seeing as he hadn't spit out the cookie or died or something, Sam tentatively nibbled one. Chocolate chip were his favorite after all.

The three polished off the cookies within several minutes. "I can make more?" the angel asked.

"Hell yeah," Dean replied around the last mouthful of cookie.

"Maybe cut the time back a couple minutes too. They're a bit crunchy," Sam offered. "Not burnt. They're just really good when they're soft and chewy." He added hurriedly when he saw Castiel start to look sad.

As the angel bustled around, pulling out ingredients and reheating the oven, Sam paused. "Do we have any eggs left? Last time he checked, they'd been short."

"One left," Castiel replied. Dean gave a sigh of relief.

Both of them stared as without further ado, the angel threw the egg into the mix. The brothers exchanged glances.

"Well. That explains the crunch," Dean remarked.

 **Pie**

Dean had a bad day. He didn't like going to the dentist. So Castiel decided to make him something that he would definitely like. It was his favorite food after all, and with the holiday seasons coming up, why not? There were so many different kinds around that time like pecan, pumpkin, there was even an eggnog pie!

The Winchesters entered the kitchen, looking rather exhausted. Sam didn't like dragging Dean to the dentist either.

"Is that pie?" Dean asked hopefully, peering over the counter at the angel.

"Yes Dean. Tis the season for pie," Castiel nodded to the trio of mini pies sitting by the stove.

"Sorry Dean, no pie for half an hour. You just got your teeth cleaned," Sam scolded him.

"But. Pie."

"No pie. Half an hour. I'm going to take a shower," Sam sighed. Then looked at Castiel sternly, "Do NOT give him pie while I'm gone. He left for his room. Honestly, he should've known better.

Castiel stared at Dean. Dean edged closer to the pie. "Sam said no."

"He said you couldn't give me pie. He didn't say anything about me taking pie. Besides, it's just a teeth cleaning. I'll brush my teeth after," Dean shrugged, ambling towards the pies.

"Dean."

Leaning in, the older Winchester gave his angel a kiss and nabbed a pie. Thankfully it was cool enough.

"What was that for?"

"I forgot to kiss the cook the last time. Thanks for the pie," Dean ate it in a few bites before the angel could try to snatch it back.

Castiel, hands on his hips, was about to retort, when he noticed Dean was looking particularly nauseous. He leapt out of the way as the other began to dry heave into the sink.

"Dean, what's wrong?" the angel asked worriedly. It hadn't had eggs in it and he was sure he'd followed the recipe right.

"This is MINCEMEAT pie," Dean moaned, spitting remaining chunks of pie into the sink.

"Yes."

"IT'S MINCEMEAT PIE."

"I heard you the first time Dean."

"Ug, just try it," Dean frowned. Castiel tried it.

Five seconds later, scorch marks stained the counter in what was arguably the smote (smoted? smoten?) shape of a pie.

When Sam returned from the shower, he groaned. Of course they'd eaten the pies. And then ditched. Picking up the last pie, he chewed thoughtfully as he walked away to find the others.

"See," whispered Dean from where they crouched around the corner of the wall, "He IS a monster."

Castiel nodded fervently.

 **Iced Coffee**

It was a hot summer day and the boys were lounging outside.

"Cas, can you go grab us some iced coffees?" Sam looked up from his book as Dean stepped inside to holler through the doorway.

"Dean, he's not a barista," Sam chided his older brother. I mean, sure teleportation was a neat angel trick. But he wasn't sure Dean should be ordering around an Angel of the Lord for a coffee run.

"It's too hot to drive that far for a nice cold drink," Dean protested, flopping down on a lawn chair beside Sam.

"You could just go inside," Sam remarked, "Besides, did I just hear you insult Baby?"

"Shut up Sam."

A moment later, Castiel returned with three cups. "Dean, I don't see the appeal in this." He handed them both their drinks.

Dean stared at it. It was a cup. Full of frozen coffee.

"Uh…Cas. Where did you get this?" Sam tentatively poked the frozen coffee, which was basically a solid brown block.

"I got coffees. Dropped by Antarctica for a few minutes. Came back."

Sam left Dean to explain iced coffee meant cold coffee with ice cubes…


End file.
